i’ve moved

yes in the spirit of finding and expressing me (see previous post) i’ve made a new blog, so readers feel free to check out the new digs.

what bothers me more?

good question. 

since 4pm yesterday till now I have:

• straightend the house before baysitter arrival- inlcuding sweeping of floors, put clean dishes away and replacing with dirty ones
• gone to a parent teacher conference
• played with  kids for a bit
• hauled out fall/winter clothes and done (4) loads of laundry
• cleaned the kitchen floor
• put all the CSA goodies away
• cleaned the dining table and floor
• put the mr to bed
• worked on work for 2 hours
• slept wedged between the mr and squash
• woke the mr up
• fed the kiddos breakfast
• made the kiddos lunches
• helped get the kiddos dressed

since 4pm yesterday till he has:

• picked up the csa box
• picked up a kiddo and myself
• played with the kiddos or watched them play
• went to parent teacher conferences
• made dinner
• watched tv
• fell asleep on couch
• moved to bed, slept more
• woke up late (thank you mrs?)
• got dressed
• made own lunch
• helped get kiddos dressed
• took kiddos to school

does it bother me more that he did “less” than i did, not really.  does it bother me more that he hasn’t said a word of gratitude or any sort of conversation to me since eating dinner last night, probably.  does it bother me that i am “missing” out on time with my kids now so i can spend more time on a camping trip with them all this weekend, no.  does it bother me that he is rolling his eyes at me for not spending time with the kids, hell yes.

sigh.

sigh.  maybe its the lack of sleep, maybe its the stress of the moment, maybe its just my unwillingness to do work yet this morning.  but i have this thing inside of me saying this isn’t right and this isn’t going to work.  squash cried up a storm this am when dropping him off early at school.  there were only 3 other kids there…this made me feel like a bad mother, cause i have to take my kid early and pick him up late.  then there is the absence of the mr at the moment.  traveling on business last night and today, he comes home tonight and i get to leave in the am for my business travel routine.  i don’t particulary enjoy the work here at the office, not the project type but the attitude.  its wearing me out already and its already been a month.  i know its not long enough, i will give it more time…but there is just this feeling in my gut.

oh and i have to mention here…if your better half ever thinks that installing hardwired smoke detectors in your house is a good idea, smack him upside the head.  you can’t turn them off at 2am when they go off for no reason- without shutting the enitre power to you house down that is. brilliant.

how to take a baby step

to get to the point i’ve been wondering how to take a baby step in some direction or another, with regard to the multitude of things that i would like to do/ accomplish.  and of course this is taking me a huge amount of time- more than it should to be honest.

oddly enough an answer came to me at yesterday’s church service (thank you kiddos for going to the nursery so i could listen)- the title of the sermon was “faith is like love in marriage”.  and without going into too much detail, it came down to how much fear can cripple or hurt us, and i realized i am fearful of doing anything…because i don’t know where to start, so i just don’t.

seriously here….anyone got any advice on how to break the fear?  how do you take a baby step?  is it just on faith?  how do i know that i have enough faith (in me, in god, in anything) to do the “right” thing?

today is day #1

i start the new job today.  i’m a bit nervous about it to tell the truth, all my fears and doubts about myself have sprung up within me like ol’ faithful.