thank you starbucks

thank you thank you thank you starbucks for the slight coffee addiction you have given me.  if it were not for you i would have not had a craving for a grande white chocolate mocha with two pumps of hazelnut.  therefore i would not have chosen a different route to walk to work this morning.  in which i would not have come across a small crowd of people standing at the street corner.  with which i would have not stopped to ask what was going on.  and had i not stopped to ask what was going on, i would have missed my opportunity to wave to barak obama as he left in his motorcade this morning.  and i would not have the smile that is on my face now.

thank you starbucks.

and thank you mr.obama for inspiring me and making me happy.

baby step taken (why is the mr.always right?)

i get a gold star.  i have taken several babysteps over the course of the last week and am very proud of myself, so i’m giving myself a gold star and a big pat on the back.

1. are studying.  last friday at 4pm i found out about a study session that was being offered on saturday from 8am-noon.  admist the late notice, the pouring and very cold rain (note we actually had to turn the heat on in the house), the shortened amount of sleep (see #2), and the huge disruption to weekend plans, and the cost- i went.  in doing so, i’ve started preparing for an exam i plan to take in 3 weeks, and have created a schedule for two other tests which are also having study sessions in the upcoming months.  good girl reina!
2. girls night out.  i haven’t done this since living here to be quite honest.  after the kiddos were tucked into bed it was off to a champagne bar with two other moms and we had a great time talking, learning more about each other, drinking and laughing.  thanks girls.
3. cleaning the house.  what kinda baby step is this you ask?  the kind that doesn’t stress me out.  each morning and evening i have been doing 2-3 little things to keep the house in shape.  i’ve gotten better about asking the mr and the kiddos to chip into as well.  the pay off- no stress when entering the house about what has to get done.
4. the job.  (this is where the mr is always right, damnit.)  i’ve made small baby steps to stop joining in the complaining and start figuring out how to help out instead- afterall maybe that’s what they are looking for?  i’ve had a few conversations with the bosses and all have turned out positive.  i think this is a good baby step, and i hope to keep improving upon it.

vacation can’t come soon enough?

vacation is a few days away, and while i’m very excited about going i’m also going into a slight frenzy.  my head will not turn off, and it kept me up until well after midnight last night, and all it’s been doing since i woke up is spinning.  its driving me fucking crazy.

i go from one thought about packing something to another thought about what i should do about the job situation, to another thought about the laundry, then its paint colors upstairs*, then weeding the backyard and on and on and on.  holy shit, i’m gonna have a headache today if it doesn’t slow down.

hopefully the vacation will put my head to rest for a while, because its rather obvious to me that when my head stops, i don’t have melt downs.  and i really don’t want to have anymore of them.

dust dust dust

the mr and i, in our infinite wisdom, decided to get a quote to see how much it would cost us to get someone else to finish the drywall (mud, tape and sanding) in the upstairs renovation project that is now past the 18 month mark.  much to my glee, and the the mr’s shock the quote came in low and we were able to afford it.*

so just as soon as we passed our inspection on the drywall hanging, they started working.  and its all done.  all done execpt for the huge amount of cleaning that is. 

after the workmen left, at around 11am yesterday morning, i promptly went upstairs to do a more thurogh cleaning and much to my unsatisfaction there was no cleaning done by the crew and dust everywhere.  so i set to work till the mr came home at 5:30 in the evening and i still wasn’t done. 

(2) sweepings = 10-15 lbs of drywall dust in a garbage bag; (2) moppings = a ruined mop, and about 12 buckets of water on my front lawn, plus the excitment of 12 trips up and down the stairs; clean windows and their unfinished frames= another bucket of water, a shop vac, a wet rag, a screwdriver, and a husband;  a first pass at the underside of the stairway (open stairs because they arent’ the finished product yet)= an exhausted reina and a loving husband; a clean bedroom for the mr & mrs= (2) moppings of the floor, with one more to come, wiping down every surface i can reach with a wet rag- including every shoe the mr and i own.

i have pulled all the rugs off the porch and the front entry, they are on my lawn recovering from a power wash with the hose.  the porch has been cleaned, swept and powerwashed.  i have mopped the living room and dining room twice and there is still dust.  i haven’t even touched any of the other surfaces in these rooms….

must finish before the little ones come home tonight so they aren’t getting this stuff all over them.

we have an appraiser coming at 2pm….shit. 

can’t contain myself

i’m going to see madonnnnaaaa!

nee ner nee ner neeeee nerrrrr!

sorry, i can’t help it.  i am so stoked.

hallelujah!

thank you dear lord for telling me to keep my mouth shut and for delivering a revelation to the caterpillar last night.  without any provication the mr. told me last night that he can’t live like this any longer and that he has to do something.  when asked what he was talking about he said his weight.  he asked for help.  i hugged him and thanked him.  he even mentioned that he should be trying harder for me- not just the kids, but me.  thank you thank you thank you!

 

happy happy

today is a happy day.  i finally have some sort of accomplishment at work, which is huge for me.  we signed up for the CSA even though caterpillar still had reservations about it.  we’re touring a potential school for squash tomorrow.  sweet pea is getting another tooth and really starting to get the jist of walking- although still not by herself.  its sunny and warm outside, and getting warmer this weekend.  my backyard is getting cleaned up in preparation for the summer and the kids will get to play in it.  the peonies i transplanted and split last fall are all coming up, the rose bushes look like they are in good shape as well.  we are scheduling (4) inspections for the house within the week and then its time to hang drywall.

damn i’m happy.

i’m frumpy

i have had 3 people today ask me whats the matter with me, and i haven’t a clue as to what is wrong.  i know something isn’t quite right, but can’t put my finger on it.  i am exhausted, which i am sure is the largest contributor but there is something else.

the past week hasn’t been bad, hasn’t been good either.  i think i’ve started to settle on the idea that i just want to slow down in life a bit, take time to smell the roses and watch my children grow up before my eyes.  i wonder though how much of that is my desire to be outside where its finally getting to be nice out.  i’m not sure how to slow down yet, but i think the answer will come to me soon- i have faith that it will. 

the caterpillar did an amazing job at his review this week- he negotiated his raise up more than half of what they offered him.  smart little bug. i’m proud of him.  my only disappointment in the whole thing is that its not enough to allow me to walk out the door here and spend the time with my kids. the answer will come, i have faith.

i’m reading this book eat pray love- thanks fairy godmother and sampson- and although its taking me quite a while to read it, its extrodinary on how much it seems to parallel my own life in a sense.  one thing i read in it was that a soul mate isn’t someone to fall in love with or that you are neccesarrily supposed to spend your life with, but rather they are a reflection of who you really are.  they show you for better or worse what you are.  i don’t know “who” this soulmate is for me- i think its just life right now, but i am seeing more clearly than ever who i am.  maybe the answer will come from here?

there has been struggle with the family, again.  a recent stint of madre’s has shown me more harshly than ever that i have lost her.  i can no longer divulgue my true feelings or interests to her because she no longer has the capacity to respect my concerns or wishes.  so i am left feeling sad and empty at the thought of this.  i’m also angry because i was left to clean up the mess of it and then got piled more crap and drama on top of me in the process.  i should have faith that an answer to this will come to me, but that’s a bit of a stretch for me at this moment.

the squash and sweetpea are beautiful challenging little people these days, i go from having great delight in them to being completly frustrated with them.  but thats parenthood i guess.  i love those little boogers, i wonder what they are doing right now?  squash is so wonderful with sweetpea, and she adores him.  her little face lights up when he talks to her- its amazing.

godiva flys away on sunday, to live with madre and padre. i’m sad, but also excited which makes me feel guilty.  its the best thing for her, and she is going to be spoiled rotten which is what she deserves.  still its sad.

so i’m frumpy….hmph.

voices from the past

in my little tumble back down the rabbit hole, i’ve decided to ask some of the poeple of the past some questions about myself in order to understand the current situation that i find myself.  this has been a somewhat difficult task to do because i have to swallow my pride and ask for help from certain people that i wouldn’t normally, and others that i feel bad that i am asking them (because it feels like a crutch).

the response thus far has been soothing, comforting and positive.  which makes me happy and sad all at the same time.  these are people that i look up to, and they can hear the stress and concern in my voice and my emails.  they all want to make it better for me, happy.  the fact that they can’t, sad.

its bringing up feelings of resentment about being here, resentment of why i’m not where i want to be, and yet feelings of comfort that i am a good person and that they would all be and are willing to do what they can for me.

looking at your own reflection in the mirror is a very tough thing to do, but its sobering to an extent as well.  its sobering to know that i am still me, i have not turned into an ugly monster as i sometimes feel that i have.

missed you too

somehow i’ve seemed to forgotten about this little therapy session of mine for a while.  funny since i check in on everyone else’s…i promise to be better in the future.