the rant goes on

okay so to add to my previous political rant…

1. dear ms paulin you don’t get an ounce of sympathy from me for the “working mom” syndrom or all the unjustice that comes with it- well with anything that comes along with being a woman (see post does it bother me) for why i have no pity.  suck it up quite whining and deal.
2. dear ms paulin who will still make issue and play the “its not fair” card.  you are pro-life, a stance i cannot comprehend, but none the less it is your stance.  in doing so you are basically telling all women that you deal with whatever cards are dealt to you- regardless of how hard the circumstances.  i am pro-choice, therefore i want to be able to look at the cards before i pick which ones i want, and allows every other woman to do the same. 

apply item #2 to item #1 please.  ms pro-life, you have no choice in the matter so quit bitching about getting treated unfairly.  those were the cards you were dealt.  unless you want to re-consider and become pro-choice which allows every woman to make decisions for herself, in which case its not anyones goddamn business what you do. 

chew on that.

reina gets political….

alright, i’ve been fairly quite about the whole political side of me for quite some time- but no longer.  dear lord what is it that people see in the mccain/palin ticket- honestly.  oh and before i go on my little rant, please venture over to tonks page (into the thick of it) and check out this clip as well (tonks if you are reading add to your page you get more traffic).

ht tp://www.brasschecktv.com/page/325.html

honestly i can say that yes i am afraid, rightly so, that the fucking republicans have got so many people scared shit less that they don’t know which end is up any longer and don’t know how to challenge anything, and because of that will win.  goddamn-it if they win.  and dear lord i am sorry for using your name in vein, but please take it as a serious prayer for concern and relief.  there is a man, there are a group of people who share in a fundamental belief of hard work, community, spirit and dreams.  please let these people be heard and give them the opportunity to heal the problems that we have created ourselves to make this world a better place in the image that you created it.

now for the rant.  mccain, is old out of touch man who can’t remember what he says from monday to tuesday.  honestly, i think a dog has a better memory than he does and i can’t imagine electing a dog to control my children’s future.  the economy- wait whats that?  oh yeah, he doesn’t know because 1. he has admitted repeatedly that he doesn’t and 2. he has so much fucking money the economy doesn’t hurt him like the rest of us (do you remember how many houses you have today senator?)  oh and while we’re on the economy- why on gods shrinking green earth (oh look there’s global warming..we’ll come back to that) has anyone noticed that the party who repeatedly says they are against government intervention, who for the past 8 years watched and helped two of the largest companies that have ever existed in this world (fannie and freddie anyone?) get so out of control to a boiling point of world global market collapse- whoops- let the GOVERNMENT INTERVENE and let every single american put a FUCKING huge monkey on their back to “secure” the debt of these companies to the rest of the world; hello friends, russia china japan saudia arabia nearly all of western europe and oh yeah iraq..we have plenty more to GIVE you- our blood sweat tears pain money childrens futures- hope that 8o billion dollar surplus can someday fix a fucking road without costing us americans every freedom we’ve ever known- Did anyone else notice that they had slipped out the back door?  i’m slightly concerned at this point that the money in my bank account is all an illusion- and my children’s futures look a little bleak to me- but hey what the heck, this nominee is going to CHANGE things.  really, because so far i’ve just seen you do the same fucking tactics and bullshit that you’ve been selling to us americans as ‘perfume’ since you started this campaign.  oh and while we’re at smelling the roses mr.senator, you can still smell after all those years of torture correct? (and i do thankyou for your service to our country and my freedoms, but i also thank every other soldier who has done the same thing for our country- however they don’t use it as scare tactic to secure a presidential nomination, so excuse me for being bitter about how well you can market and sell your service to our country) but the whole global warming thing- which your running mate doesn’t believe in… well if she doesn’t believe in it, which means you don’t believe in it- then why are you promoting energy renewable alternative sources?  it can’t be because of the gas prices, hell you’re just gonna off shore drill and the prices are gonna drop the moment you say “drill baby drill” kinda like the way they did when your party begged and pleaded with the saudi arabians to increase their barrel per day quota- whew that about knocked me off my chair when i saw those prices- oh wait i didn’t.  and miss running mate- i am sorry that they are picking on your family, it isn’t fair but hello and welcome to the world sweetheart.  every working mom out there knows this and you pick your battles.  and btw you can thank hillary for taking alot of the heat off you- cause if she hadn’t done what she did- you would still be showing your ass off in beauty pageants in alaska.  oh looky there a DEMOCRAT paved the way for your gun toting, pro-life, don’t spend money (unless its on alaska) ass.  yeah you should send mrs.clinton a wolf hide from the helicopter in which you shot it from….but be sure to tell her thats a token of gratitude, because most of us wouldn’t get that. 

okay i got most of it out of my system…but beware, it will be back.

stupid healthcare (yes it needs to be fixed)

alright i had an iud put in- yippee!  downside is that stupid insurance didn’t tell me the proper information when i called PRIOR to getting it and told me it was covered in full.  now i have a bill for nearly $600 that i can’t afford at the moment.  on the positive side of things the health insurance notified me that teh dctr office has been overcharging me on my co-payments.  i was supposed to have an appointment today, but 20 minutes (thank god i hadn’t left work) prior they cancelled on me.  so now i have a delayed appointment, which i have to re-clear with my new bosses (painful) and then upon having the appointment get to argue about them over-charging me, while asking to set up a payment plan for the rest of the money that i now owe them.

forgot to say “yippee”

or good job, or that’s fantastic, or see i told you it would be okay….or SOMETHING.

i just told the mr. that i got a call back from a firm, my first in a month with great enthusiasm i must add.  and yes he asked me questions about the firm, but not a word of praise or excitement for me- until that is i did it for him.

you know i don’t even know a thing about this firm that called me back, i don’t know if it will really lead to a job, or if its even a good fit for me.  but someone looked at my resume and called me back, adding on the phone that i have a strong resume so they would like to talk with me.  so i got a bit of a confidence boost- something i have been needing.  and it all just got sucked down the drain from the mr. and his lack of support.

yeah i know he’s busy, big deadline…but i needed him to be confident with me dammit.

change has happened.

sorry its been a while…i think i need to start my “therapy” sessions again, so i think i’ll set a goal of writing at least once a week and see how i do.

well for starters the change has happened.  i got laid off from my crap ass job on friday.  you think i would be happy about it, but i’m not actually.  i’ve never been laid off and its a crappy feeling.  i know exactly why i was let go, and although it erks me- at least i knew it wasn’t the right firm for me to be at.  but now i am stuck in this crappy economy- thanks so much mr.president- scrambling to find a job, when i don’t even know what i want out of a job anymore.  its been over 2 years since i’ve been at a good job and ya know what, after that long you forget what its like.  and i’d be kidding myself if i didn’t admit that i am a bit resentful at the mr. because i left that great job for him and have been miserable at the work place since- although he’s much happier.  wow,  i just had this huge amount of anger swell up inside me after i wrote that….maybe i should explore that more.

okay lets, cause i got time- i don’t have a job.  we moved to where we are because he wanted to, he missed it.  it did have more things to offer my growing family and i didn’t mind the idea of moving because i had done it so many times before and i’ve always recovered from it.  so i left my great job, i really mean that too- i was so happy there and i was really doing something and was appreciated for it, i still have great connections with those people and ask them for advise constantly.  i moved here.  the mr had a job, and started right away, i delayed my job search and took care of finding quality care for our child and on top of it spent 2 months living with the in-laws*.  we got our house, i got a job at what i thought was going to be great- a small firm that wanted to find someone to grow into a leader for them, but the problem was that’s what they thought they wanted when they really weren’t ready for it and it made me miserable.  i got pregnate- not something i was expecting or planning on at the time, but it happened and i love her to death. my house started to go under construction because we don’t have enough room for the family…its still on-going to this day, we’re 18 months into it- my in-laws are at my house every weekend*.  i returned from maternity leave to a big pile of shit at the job which got worse, and being smart i realized this and jumped ship before it got too bad.  problem was i jumped ship to another firm that was not good for me.  we clashed at the begining and now they have rid themselves of me.  the mr. on the other hand went from leaving a decent job, to a good job and then realized he wasn’t happy with the project type (not the firm mind you) and found a much better job for himself.  he’s gotten licensed, while i’m struggling to find time to study.  he gets to work on the house each weekend** and not deal with the kids or the crap of running or keeping up a house.  he is for the most part enjoying life while i seem to not be liking it so much.  its all just jealousy and resentment and i need to get over it.  but at the same time i have to face it that i do have these feelings.  right?

so i’m in the throws of trying to figure out what the hell i’m doing yet again.  financially we’re screwed until we can get out from underneath this house.  which i finally convinced the mr. to ask for a loan from the bank so we can just be done with it, and stabilize the payments of debt that we will accrue rather than sucking our checking and savings accounts dry each month.  i can’t not work, but i can’t work full time- i have two young kids that i am going to enjoy damnit.  what is one to do?  i don’t know anymore.  i’m hopeful that an answer will come to me if i can just get an interview, but that even seems to be a stretch at the moment. 

i’m frustrated right now.

*my in-laws are wonderful caring people whom i love very much and am greatly appreciative of

**i know the construction is hard work, i am not dismissing that- but its something he enjoys too and he’s not doing the same mundane thing like laundry and dishes that i have to do.

wonderland: wonder what happened?

i know that as we all grow older with our partners in life that we are each going to age, grow a little bigger and physically be different than when we first met.  but at what point does it affect the realtionship in the sack?  i pose this question for a few reasons…one because i don’t want to hit the point of not being attracted to my better half; two because i am in pain, and three because it seems like so much work with very little payoff.  to cut to the point, last night was the first night in about 3 weeks that the mr and i had been together- thanks to a drawn out visit of the period fairy.  i have to admit now that on occasion i like feeling the weight of the mr on me at time like these, but it is no longer enjoyable after this fiasco.  the mr has gotten so big that i feel crushed when underneath him, and my hips were in excruciating pain as i attempted to keep my legs- well you know.  all the while this position and extra girth seem to make things much more difficult for the mr so there isn’t a lot of effort in the areas of lovemaking that need the effort.  so what is one to do?  do i say something?  how do you do that without hurting feelings?  how do you deal with the mate that is still your love of your life, but their body is not?

**oh and on a side note, i know my body is not perfect either- but i know and feel that i am a little more self concious about my image to the mr than he is of his image to me.  for example (which the mr and i have both discussed) when in the throws of passion and i see my little belly sticking out- i suck it in.  i suck it in as long as it takes because i care about it- the mr’s stomach can’t be sucked in any longer.

voices from the past II

over coffee with the most recent past voice, the endearing pig, a silver lining may have come my way…we’ll have to wait and see a few weeks if its a true cloud or just a shower passing through.

little miss know it all

“Little miss know it all”  yep that has to be her name.  she irritates me to know end this one, and she is defenatly making my job harder.  She actually asked me to do a task since I was an “outsider” to the firm and had previous experience in something they were interested in, so I obliged- why wouldn’t I?  I’m new and trying to get my footing here, so of course I am going to help out when asked. 

 

Not anymore.

 

I did what was asked of me and the little miss know it all proceeded to yell and berate me in front of others to make herself feel big and good about herself- when she had absolutely no fucking idea of what she was talking about.  Completely unprofessional.  The following day, she apologizes to everyone who was in the room but me.

 

Huh.  Is that how the game is played here?  Well if it is then I’m out.  I am not up for this type of game, as it has no point and no end to it.  Besides the fact that it’s completely negative, and hence a waste my precious time.

 

For the first time in my life I am almost waiting and wanting for this little know it all to lay in to me again so I can tell her like it is and get fired for it. 

 

That’s not bad is it?

i hate family

ya know most of the time i love my family (we’re talking about the whole goddamn family here, not just the immediate)  but right now i want to fucking smack them all upside the fucking head.

i am trying to (with help mind you) plan a suprise birthday party for my dear grandmother who will be 80 this summer.  the grandchildren (of which i am one) took it upon ourselves to plan this festivity 1) so it would be fun and 2) to keep the siblings (our parents) from fighting and having it out.

well now it seems that i am going to have it out with the lot of them.  and i am furious.  i have spent a great deal of time and energy organizing, planning, budgeting and researching- and feel as though no one else gives a damn.  yes i know they are all busy, but you know what- so am i. 

now i am in the midst of dealing with the parents head on because i needed a budget approval to move forward and am quickly running out of time.  yes i took it upon myself to take the brunt of this, but i honestly didn’t think i would be dealing with the shit i am getting.  instead of talking to me about what has been done, what has been proposed i am having to answer questions that have absolutly nothing to do with the task at hand.  it seems that people think i am pulling this shit out of my ass and saying well here ya go. hell no, this has all been thought out and worked on. 

and then to f-ing top it off, there is a plan “b” in the works, to which i haven’t had any clue about and that may be the way we want to go…?!?!  well ya know what thats fucking fine, if thats it then fine we’ll do that..i’ll be out and the best freind who has cancer and is going through chemo therapy can do the whole fucking thing- and my family can feel so fucking proud of themselves for putting that shit on her, when i tried to take it off her shoulders- out of kindness and respect.

off with their fucking heads- PLEASE.

well, crap.

shit its already 4:30 and i am just now getting to post here.  i still haven’t posted to chocolate squash today and won’t-shit.  today has been an up and down day…this rant is all about the downs, i’ll follow with all the ups in another one.

why is it that i am not allowed to be short and frustrated with my family? or better said, why am i punished for being so?  at a gracious 5:30am this morning i am woken by the catapillar who feels the need to tickle me while i am still trying to sleep.  maybe it would have been different if it were a sensual tickle, but no he was just fucking around and i really didn’t appreciate it.  i then get up when he gets out of bed (mind you its my day off*) and start getting things ready for him to make it easier for him to get out of the door on time with the kids; inluding but not limited to collecting all the trash in the house, getting food made and prepared for sweet pea, getting morning beverages for both the the pea and squash, prepairing breakfast, feeding the dog, responding to screaming children, and responding to a multitude of questions from both catapillar and squash.  it was a very demanding morning- and no one said, good morning to me…so i ended up getting short about yet another question that was asked of me and i choose to respond by saying i’ll figure it out later.  well wouldn’t you know that my answer wasn’t fucking good enough!  so then i not only get in trouble for not answering the question, but for the matter in which i choose to answer it.  it just sucked.

i got them out of the house, and started of my glamourous day…of laundry, dishes, writing emails, organizing family events, grocery shopping, getting the dog groomed and running errands.  in the midst of this the catapillar calls me a few times and is not very polite in his conversations with me (his anger from this morning apparently still continues).  one of these conversations really struck a nerve with me though….i am sick and tired of people who are sick (and are very aware of it) exposing my kids to thier illnesses!  i have enough to deal with at daycare, i don’t need family members adding to it.  damnit- show some freakin’ respect people!  a second cousin whose birthday we attended monday evening called to let us know the birthday boy has phenomia- she knew he was ill when we were over there but choose to not tell us, and now when she finally decided to take him to the doctor it turns out he is ill with this.  just fucking great- that’s really what i wanted my kids to be exposed to.

so now i have 10 minutes before i have to go and get the kids, then pick up the catapillar.  we’re supposed to go shopping and out to dinner- i am so NOT looking forward to this.

*i only work 4 days a week at the office, my off day is housewife day.  cleaning, shopping, errand running- basically all the things that make this house function.  the past few weeks i have been very focused and very efficient with my time, meaning i’m getting a lot of shit done, but it seems to me that the catapillar isn’t too appreciative of this fact and for one reason or another thinks i sit around and eat bon bons on my ass all day.  which is making me a tad resentful of him, because i am working my rear end off!