how to take a baby step

to get to the point i’ve been wondering how to take a baby step in some direction or another, with regard to the multitude of things that i would like to do/ accomplish.  and of course this is taking me a huge amount of time- more than it should to be honest.

oddly enough an answer came to me at yesterday’s church service (thank you kiddos for going to the nursery so i could listen)- the title of the sermon was “faith is like love in marriage”.  and without going into too much detail, it came down to how much fear can cripple or hurt us, and i realized i am fearful of doing anything…because i don’t know where to start, so i just don’t.

seriously here….anyone got any advice on how to break the fear?  how do you take a baby step?  is it just on faith?  how do i know that i have enough faith (in me, in god, in anything) to do the “right” thing?

would my head please shut up?

okay so i’m into day 4 at the new job.  i can’t seem to figure out if i am liking this place or not.  my head keeps having conversations with itself about situations that haven’t even occured, or better yet are elaborated completley within my own terrific little mind.  who knew i had such a great imagination?

the good things:

1. its a paying job, income is nice
2. the office is busy, and i have assignments
3. the office is in downtown
4. the people seem to be nice and all get along well with each other

the bad things:

1. there is a seemingly lack of organization around here, which drives me crazy to no end
2. it is very very quite in the office- always
3. i’ve heard lots of negative things from the said nice people, which conflict with all of the things i tried to understand during interviewing (having to do with flexibility, responsibility, and understanding)
4. i don’t have my own desk- and the area where my desk is going…hasn’t been worked on yet.

i know its just the first week, and i am not jumping to any conclusions, but i think the problem is that i really really needed this week to be fantastic, knock my socks off, life is great, so happy that i found this job!!!!  not…egh, its a wash.

the book continued….

chptr 4:  had me look at the (7) areas of importance in one’s life and rate how i was doing in them.  a bit unbalanced, but not horrible i must say.  it asks you to look at your skills/abilities, personality traits and values/dreams and passions.  this is a hard thing for me to do, i think mainly because i am so down and also because i don’t like telling myself what i am good at.  i don’t do that well, i sell myself short- dunno why but i do.  i created goals in the (7) areas of life too, and was able to share them with the mr.  that was a really great conversation.  it was like we were dreaming again but in terms of reality.  it was fantastic, probably one of the best conversations we’ve had in a while.  so here are the questions:

1.are you a goal setter? yes typically i am.  i stopped though so i would start to focus on what i have rather than what i don’t.  i realize now that i have to set goals if i want to get to where i am going, and i also have to think about where it is i want to go.

2.how would you describe your current focus on work?scattered and completly unsure.  everytime i think i get an idea of what i want to do or decide how i am going to move forward it seems like something else knocks me down.  i am starting to feel that my plans are of no consiquence and that i should just give up.

3.what hobbies do you have, or other skills or interests? organized, creative, resourseful, smart, dedicated, i have high values and standards, i’m willing to learn and to try new things (usually), i’m artisitic, can play the piano and cello, swim, take care of two wonderful children, run a household, color coordinating, interior planning, gardening, cooking, i’m freindly and genuinely care about others.

4.are you involved in your community?i am somewhat involved at church, i try to stay involved at daycare, i will be involved at squash’s new school, i’m trying to get back involved with an architectural enviornmental committee.

5.how has your mom or dad’s attitude toward work affected you?  my dad is stuck in a job he hates and hopes he gets fired from, and actually tries to get fired on somedays.  he won’t look at his other talents as a way to create income or take a risk in doing it.  maybe because the risks he’s taken in the past haven’t paid off- circuit city, and a more recent event- purchasing a home for the golden boy.  my mom used to love what she did, and to a degree she still does.  but her situation has changed and she is only going through the motions to secure a financial future for herself and my dad.  they are both in it for the $$$, and its not great money at that. 

Chptr 5:

1.what kinds of settings are you most comfortable?  organized, well managed, flexible, fun, respectful, productive

2.how do you respond to management? typically very well, when management has respect for me i have respect for them

3.how would you manage people? with honesty, respect adn value of that person

4.are you better working with people, things or ideas? people and ideas

5.are you more analytical, detailed and logical or do you see the big picture and respond with emotion and enthusiasm? i can be detailed, but i see the bigger picture first and yes i am an emotional and enthusiastic communicator.

6.are you steady and predictable? or do you seek new challenges? more steady and predictable, but i like to shake things up a bit every now and then.

7.are you more verbal or a better listener? i think it depends on the situation, i can be both very well i think.

Chptr 6: is all about the resume, which i think i have a very good one.  but will still take a step back and look at it again.

1.do you understand your areas of competence?  yes but its hard for me to list or quanitfy for some reason.

2.do you feel trapped b/c of work experiences? yes because i know that i am good at what i do/ or have done, but it doesn’t seem to ever get me to where i want to be at.

3.do you recognize how easily your abilities may transfer to a new industry or profession?  no i havent’ looked at this, but maybe i should.

4.can you see value in the things you do outside the workplace? yes and i list them on my resume

5.do you need new skills or training to achieve the work you love?  dunno, maybe more business information.

6.do you have abililites that do not match your desires?  i don’t think so….

 

 

now what?

i’ve recieved yet another blow, and this is a hard one.  i am not eligible for unemployment benefits, with the exception of (1) check totalling a whopping $354.  it seems that benefits are based off of previous quarters of earnings, and since i was only at jg for 6 months they didn’t have any quarters to base off of.  my salary at rhadius was disqualified because i left on my own free will to take another job.  so i am screwed.

i now have to pull addie out of daycare for august, becuase i can’t afford to keep her there.  i was going to use august to study and finish my license, but i can’t do that with a baby to take care of.  the idea of taking my time and starting my own business is most likely gone, and i will have to find a job and settle into it.

i’m really really depressed right now.

48 days and an interview

first off i have to mention that my expanding post on “48 days” is just meant for me.  i’m not trying to re-publish this man’s book or sign myself up for any copywritting infringements, so know that you should get and read the book if you are at all interested in it.

i had an interview today, my first one since being laid off.  i walked out of the interview with an odd sort of feeling.  it wasn’t disappointment in the people, firm or work…it was more like disappointment that this is still what i am considering doing?  that this is really what i want?  i was keenly aware that they want a 40 week person, i don’t want that.  they have 7 vacation days the first year- that means no vacation in the first year because it will get eaten up from kids being sick and having days off from school.  and ya know what, it just doesn’t work for me.  i have to find something else….something better built for me.  and that realization is great and frightening at the same time.

figuring it out and prioritizing

at the suggestion of a good freind of mine (thnks ms.wilson) i started reading some books on personal finance and business planning, and so far its gone well…1 book down and 4 more to go.  this is a huge undertaking in the fact that I’ve read a book in under a week- something that i havn’t done in eons.

anyhoo this, along with some personal guidance from the E, has put me on the side of the fence that i should take this opportunity to stay at home a bit more and start my own business and really build what it is that i want out of life.  do i have a clue as how to do that yet, or am i 100% certain that this is what i want to do?  hell no, but at least i feel that a direction is starting to be taken, rather than just sitting on the fence waiting for me to fall to one side or the other.

there is a sort of uncertain calmness and serenity with this minor step in this major direction.  i don’t know quite what it is yet, but i think that i am looking forward to finding the challenge and then taking it head on.  that statement right there sounds like the old reina, no?  maybe i was a bit knocked down and beaten up, but somewhere in me lies that fierce bull-headed fire and i think its starting to build again.

vacation can’t come soon enough?

vacation is a few days away, and while i’m very excited about going i’m also going into a slight frenzy.  my head will not turn off, and it kept me up until well after midnight last night, and all it’s been doing since i woke up is spinning.  its driving me fucking crazy.

i go from one thought about packing something to another thought about what i should do about the job situation, to another thought about the laundry, then its paint colors upstairs*, then weeding the backyard and on and on and on.  holy shit, i’m gonna have a headache today if it doesn’t slow down.

hopefully the vacation will put my head to rest for a while, because its rather obvious to me that when my head stops, i don’t have melt downs.  and i really don’t want to have anymore of them.

the waves keep pounding me

alright so things haven’t been spectacular, but i had a mini melt down last week and shortly after that the mr. told me to quit beating myself up over the situation, because it wasn’t my fault.  all that helped, and i thought that i had started to have a more positive, happier, its going to be okay, you can do this, type of attitude.

but now the waves have just pounded me back down into the rabbit hole, and i feel like shit.

i had decided that since i wasn’t working that now would be the perfect time to finish studying and really focus on getting my license.  i went to sign up for these wonderful study courses just now and they are no longer offered in the hometown here- because of a lack of interest from the community.  well shit.  my only option to take these classes now is to fly to another location in august for a week.  yeah, i have the $$ to do that with my big phat job i’m holding down now.

on top of that- although now at all related- i spent last night in the emergency room with sweet pea for precautionary measures.  the girl is just fine, so don’t worry, they just wanted to run tests to see if she was okay and she is.  but it was a long expensive night.  squash now has what she has, and they are now both at home. 

i feel like curling up and crying. 

change has happened.

sorry its been a while…i think i need to start my “therapy” sessions again, so i think i’ll set a goal of writing at least once a week and see how i do.

well for starters the change has happened.  i got laid off from my crap ass job on friday.  you think i would be happy about it, but i’m not actually.  i’ve never been laid off and its a crappy feeling.  i know exactly why i was let go, and although it erks me- at least i knew it wasn’t the right firm for me to be at.  but now i am stuck in this crappy economy- thanks so much mr.president- scrambling to find a job, when i don’t even know what i want out of a job anymore.  its been over 2 years since i’ve been at a good job and ya know what, after that long you forget what its like.  and i’d be kidding myself if i didn’t admit that i am a bit resentful at the mr. because i left that great job for him and have been miserable at the work place since- although he’s much happier.  wow,  i just had this huge amount of anger swell up inside me after i wrote that….maybe i should explore that more.

okay lets, cause i got time- i don’t have a job.  we moved to where we are because he wanted to, he missed it.  it did have more things to offer my growing family and i didn’t mind the idea of moving because i had done it so many times before and i’ve always recovered from it.  so i left my great job, i really mean that too- i was so happy there and i was really doing something and was appreciated for it, i still have great connections with those people and ask them for advise constantly.  i moved here.  the mr had a job, and started right away, i delayed my job search and took care of finding quality care for our child and on top of it spent 2 months living with the in-laws*.  we got our house, i got a job at what i thought was going to be great- a small firm that wanted to find someone to grow into a leader for them, but the problem was that’s what they thought they wanted when they really weren’t ready for it and it made me miserable.  i got pregnate- not something i was expecting or planning on at the time, but it happened and i love her to death. my house started to go under construction because we don’t have enough room for the family…its still on-going to this day, we’re 18 months into it- my in-laws are at my house every weekend*.  i returned from maternity leave to a big pile of shit at the job which got worse, and being smart i realized this and jumped ship before it got too bad.  problem was i jumped ship to another firm that was not good for me.  we clashed at the begining and now they have rid themselves of me.  the mr. on the other hand went from leaving a decent job, to a good job and then realized he wasn’t happy with the project type (not the firm mind you) and found a much better job for himself.  he’s gotten licensed, while i’m struggling to find time to study.  he gets to work on the house each weekend** and not deal with the kids or the crap of running or keeping up a house.  he is for the most part enjoying life while i seem to not be liking it so much.  its all just jealousy and resentment and i need to get over it.  but at the same time i have to face it that i do have these feelings.  right?

so i’m in the throws of trying to figure out what the hell i’m doing yet again.  financially we’re screwed until we can get out from underneath this house.  which i finally convinced the mr. to ask for a loan from the bank so we can just be done with it, and stabilize the payments of debt that we will accrue rather than sucking our checking and savings accounts dry each month.  i can’t not work, but i can’t work full time- i have two young kids that i am going to enjoy damnit.  what is one to do?  i don’t know anymore.  i’m hopeful that an answer will come to me if i can just get an interview, but that even seems to be a stretch at the moment. 

i’m frustrated right now.

*my in-laws are wonderful caring people whom i love very much and am greatly appreciative of

**i know the construction is hard work, i am not dismissing that- but its something he enjoys too and he’s not doing the same mundane thing like laundry and dishes that i have to do.

needing a change

changes are a part of life right? so i should accept the fact that i need a change in multiple areas of my life with open arms right…yeah not so much.  i hate change, simply for the fact that it involves exerting energy and thought of which i have little to give any more.

i’ve changed the look and feel of the blog- its refreshing no?  i don’t feel so much tied to falling down the rabbit hole as i once did- not that i don’t like the analogy , it fits me well.  but even alice needed a break from crazy right?

i’m considering persuing a change of career- either venue or actual job…could i possibly join the dark side of the architectural community (that means contractors)??? its under consideration as an opportunity has presented itself.  or should i wait and possibly take the plunge as my own business owner, this has recently been offered as a possibility from the endearing pig.

the mr. and i are changing too- we’re trying to be fit, healthy and active for ourselves and our children.  but i must confess i am not ready to give up my evening cigarette on the porch after the kiddos are tucked away sweetly in bed with visions of sugar plums- or whatever it is that they dream of.

hmph.

yeah that about sums up my mood for the past week.