baby step taken (why is the mr.always right?)

i get a gold star.  i have taken several babysteps over the course of the last week and am very proud of myself, so i’m giving myself a gold star and a big pat on the back.

1. are studying.  last friday at 4pm i found out about a study session that was being offered on saturday from 8am-noon.  admist the late notice, the pouring and very cold rain (note we actually had to turn the heat on in the house), the shortened amount of sleep (see #2), and the huge disruption to weekend plans, and the cost- i went.  in doing so, i’ve started preparing for an exam i plan to take in 3 weeks, and have created a schedule for two other tests which are also having study sessions in the upcoming months.  good girl reina!
2. girls night out.  i haven’t done this since living here to be quite honest.  after the kiddos were tucked into bed it was off to a champagne bar with two other moms and we had a great time talking, learning more about each other, drinking and laughing.  thanks girls.
3. cleaning the house.  what kinda baby step is this you ask?  the kind that doesn’t stress me out.  each morning and evening i have been doing 2-3 little things to keep the house in shape.  i’ve gotten better about asking the mr and the kiddos to chip into as well.  the pay off- no stress when entering the house about what has to get done.
4. the job.  (this is where the mr is always right, damnit.)  i’ve made small baby steps to stop joining in the complaining and start figuring out how to help out instead- afterall maybe that’s what they are looking for?  i’ve had a few conversations with the bosses and all have turned out positive.  i think this is a good baby step, and i hope to keep improving upon it.

how to take a baby step

to get to the point i’ve been wondering how to take a baby step in some direction or another, with regard to the multitude of things that i would like to do/ accomplish.  and of course this is taking me a huge amount of time- more than it should to be honest.

oddly enough an answer came to me at yesterday’s church service (thank you kiddos for going to the nursery so i could listen)- the title of the sermon was “faith is like love in marriage”.  and without going into too much detail, it came down to how much fear can cripple or hurt us, and i realized i am fearful of doing anything…because i don’t know where to start, so i just don’t.

seriously here….anyone got any advice on how to break the fear?  how do you take a baby step?  is it just on faith?  how do i know that i have enough faith (in me, in god, in anything) to do the “right” thing?

would my head please shut up?

okay so i’m into day 4 at the new job.  i can’t seem to figure out if i am liking this place or not.  my head keeps having conversations with itself about situations that haven’t even occured, or better yet are elaborated completley within my own terrific little mind.  who knew i had such a great imagination?

the good things:

1. its a paying job, income is nice
2. the office is busy, and i have assignments
3. the office is in downtown
4. the people seem to be nice and all get along well with each other

the bad things:

1. there is a seemingly lack of organization around here, which drives me crazy to no end
2. it is very very quite in the office- always
3. i’ve heard lots of negative things from the said nice people, which conflict with all of the things i tried to understand during interviewing (having to do with flexibility, responsibility, and understanding)
4. i don’t have my own desk- and the area where my desk is going…hasn’t been worked on yet.

i know its just the first week, and i am not jumping to any conclusions, but i think the problem is that i really really needed this week to be fantastic, knock my socks off, life is great, so happy that i found this job!!!!  not…egh, its a wash.

today is day #1

i start the new job today.  i’m a bit nervous about it to tell the truth, all my fears and doubts about myself have sprung up within me like ol’ faithful.

just stuff

1. i have a job.  i start august 4th.  not sure if i am happy about it or not. the mr. said that he wanted me to be happy, but that i could just quit because i had a bad experience or because i was afraid.  he told me i would regret it.  so i took the job with the understanding that if i’m not happy about it i can leave- on my own terms, not someone elses.  sometimes the mr. is very smart.
2. money sucks.  even though i will be making some again, i am determined that the mr. and i are going to pull the purse strings in, as if i were unemployed.  i think if we can just do this for  a year even, it will make a huge difference in our living arrangement.
3. squash and sweetpea make me laugh.  they are so good together, and do silly things.  they are starting to fight, but even that makes me smile.  when sweetpea starts crying and i haven’t seen what went on and i ask her, she just points and squash and lets out a string of overwhelmed mumbles.  squash always aplogizes and goes on with his business. 
4. yard sales are a bother, but i made over $200 and the rest went right in the truck and off to goodwill.  my porch and basement look empty (yipee).
5. csa’s rock- i’m learning to cook different foods, and the family is eating them too.  i’m soon off to do some canning.

the book continued….

chptr 4:  had me look at the (7) areas of importance in one’s life and rate how i was doing in them.  a bit unbalanced, but not horrible i must say.  it asks you to look at your skills/abilities, personality traits and values/dreams and passions.  this is a hard thing for me to do, i think mainly because i am so down and also because i don’t like telling myself what i am good at.  i don’t do that well, i sell myself short- dunno why but i do.  i created goals in the (7) areas of life too, and was able to share them with the mr.  that was a really great conversation.  it was like we were dreaming again but in terms of reality.  it was fantastic, probably one of the best conversations we’ve had in a while.  so here are the questions:

1.are you a goal setter? yes typically i am.  i stopped though so i would start to focus on what i have rather than what i don’t.  i realize now that i have to set goals if i want to get to where i am going, and i also have to think about where it is i want to go.

2.how would you describe your current focus on work?scattered and completly unsure.  everytime i think i get an idea of what i want to do or decide how i am going to move forward it seems like something else knocks me down.  i am starting to feel that my plans are of no consiquence and that i should just give up.

3.what hobbies do you have, or other skills or interests? organized, creative, resourseful, smart, dedicated, i have high values and standards, i’m willing to learn and to try new things (usually), i’m artisitic, can play the piano and cello, swim, take care of two wonderful children, run a household, color coordinating, interior planning, gardening, cooking, i’m freindly and genuinely care about others.

4.are you involved in your community?i am somewhat involved at church, i try to stay involved at daycare, i will be involved at squash’s new school, i’m trying to get back involved with an architectural enviornmental committee.

5.how has your mom or dad’s attitude toward work affected you?  my dad is stuck in a job he hates and hopes he gets fired from, and actually tries to get fired on somedays.  he won’t look at his other talents as a way to create income or take a risk in doing it.  maybe because the risks he’s taken in the past haven’t paid off- circuit city, and a more recent event- purchasing a home for the golden boy.  my mom used to love what she did, and to a degree she still does.  but her situation has changed and she is only going through the motions to secure a financial future for herself and my dad.  they are both in it for the $$$, and its not great money at that. 

Chptr 5:

1.what kinds of settings are you most comfortable?  organized, well managed, flexible, fun, respectful, productive

2.how do you respond to management? typically very well, when management has respect for me i have respect for them

3.how would you manage people? with honesty, respect adn value of that person

4.are you better working with people, things or ideas? people and ideas

5.are you more analytical, detailed and logical or do you see the big picture and respond with emotion and enthusiasm? i can be detailed, but i see the bigger picture first and yes i am an emotional and enthusiastic communicator.

6.are you steady and predictable? or do you seek new challenges? more steady and predictable, but i like to shake things up a bit every now and then.

7.are you more verbal or a better listener? i think it depends on the situation, i can be both very well i think.

Chptr 6: is all about the resume, which i think i have a very good one.  but will still take a step back and look at it again.

1.do you understand your areas of competence?  yes but its hard for me to list or quanitfy for some reason.

2.do you feel trapped b/c of work experiences? yes because i know that i am good at what i do/ or have done, but it doesn’t seem to ever get me to where i want to be at.

3.do you recognize how easily your abilities may transfer to a new industry or profession?  no i havent’ looked at this, but maybe i should.

4.can you see value in the things you do outside the workplace? yes and i list them on my resume

5.do you need new skills or training to achieve the work you love?  dunno, maybe more business information.

6.do you have abililites that do not match your desires?  i don’t think so….

 

 

now what?

i’ve recieved yet another blow, and this is a hard one.  i am not eligible for unemployment benefits, with the exception of (1) check totalling a whopping $354.  it seems that benefits are based off of previous quarters of earnings, and since i was only at jg for 6 months they didn’t have any quarters to base off of.  my salary at rhadius was disqualified because i left on my own free will to take another job.  so i am screwed.

i now have to pull addie out of daycare for august, becuase i can’t afford to keep her there.  i was going to use august to study and finish my license, but i can’t do that with a baby to take care of.  the idea of taking my time and starting my own business is most likely gone, and i will have to find a job and settle into it.

i’m really really depressed right now.

48 days and an interview

first off i have to mention that my expanding post on “48 days” is just meant for me.  i’m not trying to re-publish this man’s book or sign myself up for any copywritting infringements, so know that you should get and read the book if you are at all interested in it.

i had an interview today, my first one since being laid off.  i walked out of the interview with an odd sort of feeling.  it wasn’t disappointment in the people, firm or work…it was more like disappointment that this is still what i am considering doing?  that this is really what i want?  i was keenly aware that they want a 40 week person, i don’t want that.  they have 7 vacation days the first year- that means no vacation in the first year because it will get eaten up from kids being sick and having days off from school.  and ya know what, it just doesn’t work for me.  i have to find something else….something better built for me.  and that realization is great and frightening at the same time.

forgot to say “yippee”

or good job, or that’s fantastic, or see i told you it would be okay….or SOMETHING.

i just told the mr. that i got a call back from a firm, my first in a month with great enthusiasm i must add.  and yes he asked me questions about the firm, but not a word of praise or excitement for me- until that is i did it for him.

you know i don’t even know a thing about this firm that called me back, i don’t know if it will really lead to a job, or if its even a good fit for me.  but someone looked at my resume and called me back, adding on the phone that i have a strong resume so they would like to talk with me.  so i got a bit of a confidence boost- something i have been needing.  and it all just got sucked down the drain from the mr. and his lack of support.

yeah i know he’s busy, big deadline…but i needed him to be confident with me dammit.

freakin stubborn kid

squash is sitting at the table, partially screaming at me because i’ve left him up there till he eats at least a portion of his dinner.  damn kid has been sitting there for over an hour.  honestly i feel like its about brut control of the situation and damnit i am going to win….

maybe i am crazy but i can clearly remember being taught that if food was put in front of me that i was going to eat at least a portion of it.  i was left at the dinner table, all lights off until i ate what i was supposed to.  at the point where the lights went off, i usually inhaled whatever was on my plate.  i am now inacting the same idea on squash.

 i won!!!!!!!!

two nights in a row, i’ve put up with and ignored the screaming and crying and i’ve won!!!!! he has eaten his dinners- YES.

see me doing the stupid happy parenting dance….uh huh, oh yeah, go reina, its your birthday…